long live kiddo, as long as you have Allah, you’ll be fine

in this dunya oh Allah, i only have you who i return to, i have wholeheartedly accepted if my depression is a terminal illness that i have to live forever with, i accept your decree oh Allah, i do not want to lose hope in your mercy, even when the people of this dunya hurt me, especially when all my being is left tolerated, my love unappreciated and my efforts wasted, help me oh Allah, send me whatever good you have for me, i am in need of it

i am so heartbroken by this dunya, but i live for the sake of you, i love for the sake of you, and i’ll try for the sake of you, make it easy for me, wahai tuhanku

oh Allah, my heart continues to ache, this pain has never felt unfamiliar, but every time it struck upon me, i become paralysed, patience is the most bitter thing one has to endure right now, and i have waited 25 years long. i never really asked to feel such way but ultimately you own this heart and you inspire me to make continuous dua, isn't that the biggest of signs that you are going to grant my wishes? why am i still in the depths of my agony. i feel like im going insane.

sakit ya Allah.

the wait has been so long, and i am still in so much pain.

i do not want to lose hope but my patience is tested every single day.

forgive me dear lord.

i still get sad whenever i think about it.

tawakul

sujudku
berbisik di bumi
di atas tanah yang retak seribu

Tuhan
kulantunkan suara dan rintihan ini
agar doaku diangkat dan didengari
oleh segenap penghuni langitMu

at work, annoyed

monday

monday blues

i woke up for subuh at 7am this morning, at least i prayed, cant remember when was the last time i prayed subuh, then i slept, and woke up again at 7.50am, had a breakfast plan with hasbul and afif but it got canceled, didn't know afif came to office at 8am, and hasbul had some work to be done by 9.30am so couldn't go get breakfast, i was the first to arrive, felt weird, when was the last time i was the first, who knows, went downstairs with arina to tapau breakfast, had nasi lemak rm6, damn expensive but whatever i was hungry, and bought a bun at the family mart vending machine, wanted to finish astro's minute today, but still haven't been able to, had a 10am meeting to catch up on sam playbook with mak and team, hella annoyed with mak, so annoying

monday is ruined at 10 in the morning

tell me how do you improve or train yourself when you're not even given the chance to? when your boss has trust issues not just on you but the rest of the team, and he only relies everything on a single person that he trusts? and he dismisses whatever you say? even if he thinks it's a stupid question, he can always respond it nicely or relay it to a more meaningful question? why so rude?

i am starting to think that i do not have a purpose at work, everyone else questions what we do, and i don't see the output of our department, "it takes time" screw that, it's been a hell of time, this department has been set up for almost 2 years and i still cant see the direction where we're heading to

im stressed at work

and personally still mentally ill

hey at least i just booked a psychiatrist appointment on the 24th, that's one way to start

listened to champagne problems when driving to work this morning, that line hit me hard, "she would've made such a lovely bride, what a shame she's fucked in the head"

i told myself i hated myself three times in the morning, all at different intervals, all happened even before i arrived office, what a strong hatred i must've felt

is this burnout? it feels much more than that

the suicidal ideation that i have is not active at all times, but my depression stays the same, i had a glimpse of hope in one second, and lost the light the next

what am i doing

what am i doing in this life