tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24797702994496585572024-03-24T15:11:33.039+08:00pagesAynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.comBlogger646125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-10719915280990905022023-08-07T12:22:00.001+08:002023-08-07T12:22:26.833+08:00at work, annoyed<p style="text-align: justify;">monday</p><p style="text-align: justify;">monday blues</p><p style="text-align: justify;">i woke up for subuh at 7am this morning, at least i prayed, cant remember when was the last time i prayed subuh, then i slept, and woke up again at 7.50am, had a breakfast plan with hasbul and afif but it got canceled, didn't know afif came to office at 8am, and hasbul had some work to be done by 9.30am so couldn't go get breakfast, i was the first to arrive, felt weird, when was the last time i was the first, who knows, went downstairs with arina to tapau breakfast, had nasi lemak rm6, damn expensive but whatever i was hungry, and bought a bun at the family mart vending machine, wanted to finish astro's minute today, but still haven't been able to, had a 10am meeting to catch up on sam playbook with mak and team, hella annoyed with mak, so annoying</p><p style="text-align: justify;">monday is ruined at 10 in the morning</p><p style="text-align: justify;">tell me how do you improve or train yourself when you're not even given the chance to? when your boss has trust issues not just on you but the rest of the team, and he only relies everything on a single person that he trusts? and he dismisses whatever you say? even if he thinks it's a stupid question, he can always respond it nicely or relay it to a more meaningful question? why so rude?</p><p style="text-align: justify;">i am starting to think that i do not have a purpose at work, everyone else questions what we do, and i don't see the output of our department, "it takes time" screw that, it's been a hell of time, this department has been set up for almost 2 years and i still cant see the direction where we're heading to</p><p style="text-align: justify;">im stressed at work</p><p style="text-align: justify;">and personally still mentally ill</p><p style="text-align: justify;">hey at least i just booked a psychiatrist appointment on the 24th, that's one way to start</p><p style="text-align: justify;">listened to champagne problems when driving to work this morning, that line hit me hard, "she would've made such a lovely bride, what a shame she's fucked in the head"</p><p style="text-align: justify;">i told myself i hated myself three times in the morning, all at different intervals, all happened even before i arrived office, what a strong hatred i must've felt</p><p style="text-align: justify;">is this burnout? it feels much more than that</p><p style="text-align: justify;">the suicidal ideation that i have is not active at all times, but my depression stays the same, i had a glimpse of hope in one second, and lost the light the next</p><p style="text-align: justify;">what am i doing</p><p style="text-align: justify;">what am i doing in this life</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-71496020022216054252023-07-28T18:10:00.002+08:002023-07-28T18:10:46.015+08:00my sky is built one star at a time<p style="text-align: justify;">there was a suicide attempt on wednesday.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">the triggering point was because of the conversation i had with amirul after our radwimps concert at midnight, i still think i had to do what i had to do, it didn't turn out well, as i expected.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">the next morning i felt extremely suicidal. at around 9am before i left for work, i consumed four different type of pills; 4 fluoxetine, 4 propranolol, 4 uphamol and 2 actifast. not with the intention to get better, but with the intention to kill myself. i really thought those pills were enough to kill me.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">i went to work, but didn't sit at my desk, i sat elsewhere, one of the rooms at menara, the small pod at level 5, the nursing room at level 3, the main surau downstairs, just to run away from my colleagues; afraid of them asking how was my concert; i have no intention to tell anything to anyone. i had a 7pm meeting with ceo that day with the rest of sam team. quite surprised that almost everyone noticed i was missing, i was taken aback when mak asked if i was okay, he looked very concerned, and i didn't realised i looked very, well, unwell.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">the morning of wednesday, after i consumed those pills, it really felt like i was about to die. i was feeling very dizzy, vision blurred, abdominal pain, nauseous the whole day, i was ready to go. i even said my last farewell to tiger and nimau before i left home. at one point i can smell blood up in my nostrils. but it wasn't enough, to kill me, unfortunately.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">that night i went home after my meeting ended at around 8pm, had the intention to consume clorox, but i was too tired to even lift my head, and so i dozed off immediately once i landed myself in bed. i hoped i would never wake up again.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">it was thursday yesterday, and i was still alive. i still had to go to work. and i had a lot of meetings to attend. the earliest was at 10am. again, before i left home, i went to the kitchen, searched for the clorox, opened the bottle, smelled it, thinking it was not too bad if i ever did want to try to consume it. but i was late for work, and thought i'll give it a try once im back home later tonight; if i ever will.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">i wanted to get an iv drip that day after my meeting ended. bahiah suggested to do so; claiming it'll help to make me feel a bit energetic. i did not eat since after radwimps. it was more than 24 hours since my last meal. my whole body was very shaky. i did not even consume enough water. afif consulted me to just go to the clinic, to get consultations on the pills i took. that was the least of my worries. i only wanted to survive my meetings that day, i didn't care if i die right after. that was what i wanted after all.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">i went down to menara clinic at around 11am. told the counter i wanted to see the doctor because of my headache; it was true though, but i mainly wanted to get the iv drip. i waited about an hour before it was my turn to see the doctor. i started off telling that i've been experiencing headaches, and i think it was because of the stress i feel at work, i asked her if i can get an iv drip, if that would help me feel better, i confessed to her i took the pills, and that i was previously prescribed with depression and anxiety medications in 2020, i knew she felt very worried when she heard this, when i told her about the pills i consumed, she immediately wrote it down. she then insisted to write a referral letter for me to see a psychiatrist at sjmc, but because i had meetings till 5.30pm, i needed to go to ED. i didn't know what to do or say, so i just agreed with whatever she said. i then proceeded to get the iv drip; that was the first time i was sort of "hospitalised". felt like a dream come true somehow. only thing that didn't come true was me actually dying. the first time the nurse inserted the needle on my left hand, it failed, and that hurt so much, i was bleeding quite a lot. she had to do it on my arm, the cubital vein. sat there on the clinic bed, updating afif whatever situation i was in. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">the drip lasted less then 30 mins, i didn't know how it helped because i felt nothing changed; not energised, body still felt very weak. i went upstairs to my desk, elleena and the rest were about to go get lunch outside, i insisted them to go without me, told them i'll just have the bread we have at the office. it was lunchtime, i posted the iv drip photo on my instagram close friends. went to the nursing room again to recollect my thoughts; wished i had bring along with me the clorox right now and then.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">things happened real fast after i went back upstairs. elleena knew i had the iv drip and that i was "dehydrated", but when she saw the referral letter, she panicked, almost screamed at me to ask me to show her the letter. i insisted that i wasn't going to show. she then told deena, asking her to scold me, because i got a referral letter but there i was worried if should attend the meetings i had that day. deena forced me to give the letter to her, i still didn't want to, but she took it from me, opened it, read it together with elleena. felt like my privacy was invaded at that time. had no time to think. didn't know what to feel. nadiah took the letter from deena, surprised, she unintentionally screamed "psychiatrist?!" for the whole world to hear. deena straight away lectured me, telling me that it is important to let people who are physically close in distance to me know when i face this, it's dangerous if no one knows. i nodded, acknowledged it. i knew it was important. it was never my intention to hide. i just didn't think it was worth to tell anyone, i've always had to deal this alone, why can't i do the same this time?</p><p style="text-align: justify;">nadiah insisted to send me to sjmc. we left at around 3.40pm from office. she told mak that she had to sent me to hospital, and that i wasn't able to attend my afternoon meetings that day. i didn't have to say anything; like afif, nadiah knew the triggering point was because of the concert. throughout the journey to sjmc, we caught up with each other, felt like it has been forever since i talked to her, she was busy and occupied, and i was too. confessed to her the things i did, that was the first time she knew how sick i was in the head. but i was grateful actually, that i didn't have to go to sjmc alone. nadiah was doing angel's work. we reached sjmc, straight away went to ED, waited for my number to be called, the nurse checked my vitals, asked what actually happened, i told them, got a sense that the nurse felt pity. i went to see the psychiatrist, confessed everything, didn't want to tell her about amirul because that's embarrassing, but she made her way to let me confess it still, before the session ended, she asked if i still have the intention to kill myself, and i answered a solid yes without any hesitation, she made up her mind, telling me i needed to be admitted, but i need to go to a government hospital, before leaving, she patted me at the back, saying "you being here is already good enough, please go to the hospital today, and don't think to much, you're doing good". the psychiatrist, afif, and bahiah, all of them told me to not think too much. it was weird they all shared the same advice. perhaps, it was the only advice i needed.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">before heading to sg buloh, nadiah brought me to upstairs cafe to get some food, i had mac n cheese, nadiah had lasagna. after that, we went to sg buloh hospital, again went to ED, got my number, registered, and waited in line, for almost 4 hours. unbelievable. i know. to cut it short, i didn't get warded. the doctor, again, referred me to the psychiatrist, but i needed to book an appointment, and the appointment itself will take 2-3 months time from now. frustrating. a waste of time and energy. nadiah accompanied me all the way yesterday. beyond grateful to have her by my side when i needed company the most. amalin and bahiah called me to check up on me. lots of friends texted me to see if i was okay. didn't have much energy left in me yesterday, replied to people's messages within my capacity.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">i'm on mc today. apologised to mak and nadhira that i wasn't able to attend the meetings we have today. felt bad, but as much as i want to force myself, i can't.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">i know ibu is panic-stricken. i haven't had a proper meal since mac n cheese. ought to freshen up soon. right now, i just don't know what to do. stuck in a position where if i fall, it'll be rock bottom, and if i ascend, perhaps to the seventh of heavens. i woke up from bed at 10am this morning, went downstairs to go get tiger, and read my art journal, the agonising days i had throughout 2018-2020. it has been 5 years since. im still shaky. grounds are unstable still. losing hope each passing day.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">i know i'll be fine soon. but if life is a cycle of uptime and downtime, is it selfish of me to not want to get better, and to just call it quits? i know i'll be fine, but i don't want to, and i am okay to let things end, i am okay to give up, i am okay to let time stop here. i am okay to not be alive anymore.</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-62231986247383561722022-11-22T17:20:00.000+08:002022-11-22T17:20:30.388+08:00<p>what a bummer</p><p><br /></p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-39020283160969172382022-10-15T22:58:00.002+08:002022-10-15T22:58:48.035+08:00amaxophobia<p>i got into an accident today when i was on my way back from a hangout with my friends, it was raining and the road was slippery and i was driving fast and suddenly there was traffic in front on the car in front of me did an emergency brake so i was trying to hit the brake but my car still wouldn't stop and i almost hit the car in front and my reflex got me turning the steering wheel to the left to avoid hitting the car and i was panicking and did not give any signals nor do i looked sideways before turning and i accidentally hit a motorbike rider</p><p>the rider was okay, had only very minor scratches on his motorbike and did not injure himself, my car had lots of scratches</p><p>reminds me of the time when i just got my drivers' license and got arrested by the police at a highway because i almost hit a vip car that was being escorted by policemen</p><p>my trauma started from that point in time and i think it got worsen today</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-55665292934470274882022-10-10T20:51:00.000+08:002022-10-10T20:51:31.184+08:00<p>cried again because i couldn't afford to pay everything for my family's visit to welly for my graduation next year, i would be using all my life savings to buy the flight ticket next week</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-50201940852367387782022-10-02T22:12:00.002+08:002022-10-02T22:12:59.395+08:00:c<p>hey, how do i know if it's the time to not run away anymore?<br /></p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-80747596274550919342022-09-26T21:39:00.003+08:002022-09-26T21:39:32.409+08:00jika umur panjang<p>one day i'll have enough money to sponsor my parents for their umrah, and i'll also have enough for the rest of us siblings</p><p>one day i'll have enough money to visit my brother in sheffield</p><p>one day i'll have enough to go back to wellington for a visit</p><p>one day i'll have enough to witness sakura blossoms in japan</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-9133125260230739812022-09-25T19:21:00.002+08:002022-09-25T19:21:50.429+08:00hey, it's ok<p> it's all in His hands</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-84262938387810696862022-09-25T19:17:00.002+08:002022-09-25T19:17:47.168+08:00halley's comet<p>hi!! need to let this out real quick and re-organise my thoughts, take this whole lot with a grain of salt</p><p>guess i have been in a mood where i want to be and feel loved, it doesn't happen very often these days, i would say it's very rare, and now that i have to face it again i think it's better for me to write.... *long sigh*</p><p>i would be lying if i say i don't care even the slightest bit about romance, i do!! but it doesn't happen very often, and most of the times i don't pay any attention to it because i know there's no point thinking about it, it won't bear fruit the longer you have it in mind, i say i don't want to get married because i've seen soooo many failed marriages and i've encountered soooo many guys and husbands turning their backs once they're married!! and i am scared!!!! and i would often think there's no way i will commit my life to a man when there are chances that he will leave me or be a completely different person after marriage</p><p>oh but still i am a damsel in distress about this whole thing, i have been single my whole life and i don't expect myself to suddenly be okay to commit into a relationship but it does feel nice to have someone to talk about how beautiful the sky and stars are!! ahhhh *stressed*</p><p>i am more than okay being by myself, i do enjoy my own company but why do i feel this longing at times?!! i am okay!! i shouldn't be feeling this!!!</p><p>it's ok to admire someone from afar, righttt!! i don't have to tell them that i find them attractive because why do i want to do that if there are chances of them ignoring me, kan?? this is so complicated</p><p>i am scared to accept any affection but why do i find myself craving for it ugh, i don't want this and i don't want to be :( </p><p>when the time comes, i'll go and face it but in the meantime i don't care, i'm suppressing whatever the heck i'm feeling right now because there's no way i have time for this</p><p>....but it does sounds nice kan.....</p><p>ahhHH!! dang it, bye for now</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-63781975492396853742022-09-23T23:57:00.005+08:002022-09-23T23:57:59.565+08:00random almost-12am-thought<p>Dumping racing thoughts:</p><p><br /></p><p>These days, whether I realise it fully or not, I feel like I am still in such a denial state. I find it very easy to distract myself from ‘feeling a certain way’ by making myself believe that it’s too much of a hassle and the easy way out is to ignore such feelings. I keep saying that I am at the point where I don’t feel attracted to anyone but am I really /not/ attracted to anyone or I’m just in denial to actually admit it, even to myself? Am I that scared to admit because of the believe that admitting something will make it somewhat official and ‘true’. Huh, still a question I am unable to answer. I also came to the conclusion that I am too tired to initiate or be involved in talking stages at this point in time. Also, even if I were to be attracted to someone, unless they make the first move, I would just immediately give up without even giving a try. I think I’m too old for this and I really don’t know how people do all these…weird stuff that I am not familiar with. I like to believe that I am focusing more on my career growth but occasionally I do think about this, not because of peer-pressure, but more of a thought of what will it look like in a few years time and will I ever meet someone at this time and age when I don’t foresee myself having the energy to commit into a relationship any time soon.</p><p><br /></p><p>But then again, raising the same question, will I remain staying put if there is attraction? Sampai bila can I go on like this before I start to feel a little bit of annoyance?</p><p>I have no answers right now.</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-84460281930553367622022-08-06T21:22:00.004+08:002022-08-06T21:26:32.161+08:00in being modestI was a lost cause, and I thought maybe I should give reading Islamic books a try again. So I remembered the book Aida Azlin mentioned in one of her podcasts, it's called Secrets of Divine Love. I then looked it up online, and proceeded to buy a second-hand copy from Carousell because the retail price in bookstores is quite pricey. I was lucky I got it half price. When the book arrived, I was pretty excited and straight away jumped into reading few pages of it (oh, I've read a few pages before deciding to buy it on an online trial version). But then, not too long after that, I found out many people were criticising the way the book was written and how it raises a lot of confusion amongst readers, and many people warned not to buy and read this book. I felt flustered and ever since then, the book has been sitting on top of my shelf untouched. It's pretty sad :/<div><br /></div><div>Today, I was notified that my work colleague is Covid positive. I tested myself twice today and although the results were both negative, I am feeling quite feverish.</div><div><br /></div><div>One of the things I've been thinking lately is that I really want to incorporate modesty in life. It's easy to be influenced to buy trendy stuff, that more often than not, are just wants and not needs. Like how people would chase buying branded items to be more "acceptable" to the public eyes. You don't have to buy a Gucci if you only need a handbag. At the end of the day, a handbag is just a handbag that carries the same purpose whether it costs you all your life savings or just a penny or a dime, kan? But I understand, what differentiates between a high-end and a budget handbag is the quality, the status and the experience it comes with. I am by no means hindering people from buying good quality stuff. It's just that everyone has different level of wealth and financial stability, and it's important to spend our money wisely. As someone who struggles to fit in the eyes of others, I always find myself pleasing other people by shifting my taste and preference to suit the people I'm with so that I am not looked down upon. But I love being surrounded by modest people, it makes me feel so humbled, and I aspire to be like them, unbothered by the opinions and standards of the world. Sometimes when I caught myself living beyond my means, I would ask myself "who am I trying to please this time".</div><div><br /></div><div>Well, not saying that I'm only allowing myself to buy cheap things. It really depends on what it is and how am I going to use it. Is it for long-term or is it for daily use that will wear and tear in the nick of time. Investing on good things are equally important as managing and saving money too. I guess the lesson here is to not fear of missing on the craze of the public. It is okay to buy a no-brand clothing or still use the iPhone 7 plus model in this day and age!!</div>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-84248872437346779492022-07-31T22:14:00.001+08:002022-07-31T22:14:48.544+08:00A month in retrospect<p style="text-align: justify;">The corporate world seems intimidating and I'll tell you it really is intimidating. Who would've thought this self-deprecating human being is (<i>apparently has alway been)</i> destined to be in a circle of humans who are way out of her own league. I like this out-of-comfort state I'm in but at the same time I can feel the excruciating pain slowly creeping in as I'm filled with constant agitation and anxiety.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">Deep exhales.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">To be honest, I'm still scared.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">I've received little to no guidance at work, despite being very very new and fresh. Though I understand why things are the way they are, it still upsets me. I've been trying to give it chance after chance ever since day one. Sadly, my expectations were low but this was on a whole 'nother level I tell you. The more I ponder about work life, the more I start to miss my previous company I was with. <i>Ibarat langit dan bumi ya working life di NZ dan Malaysia. </i>My onboarding experience was far from pleasant here, red flags are everywhere but I deliberately close my eyes off. One month in and I still am lost.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">Why did no one ever tell me that work life can be super lonely. Yeah I've made friends at work but it's more of a hi-bye type of interaction. Shallow relationships. Small talk. This is way too boring and it feels like everyone is putting up a facade. I thought having a common ground with people back home would make a conversation easy to initiate. Could've been more wrong, perhaps humans are still the same anywhere.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">Every now and then, I still feel way too awkward being surrounded by T20 people. I've had my fair share of experience befriending them, and it shouldn't be a surprise to me having to work alongside these big people. But I still feel so small and so frightened, I feel like we live in a completely different world; the way I see the world is not the same as how they see it.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">I have also lost memories. Almost about everything. And now I'm trying to re-learn everything back from square one. The learning curve is super steep and I can definitely foresee myself stumble again and again, and even though I'm scared and I know I'll cry in the process, at least I still have this grit in my heart and the dream that one day, soon enough, I'll be in the place I've been wishing to be.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">It has been quite an eventful month, and it was definitely a new beginning. I'll continue to imagine that I'm the protagonist of this "best-selling book". Till then.</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-77069961314198868622022-05-28T01:13:00.000+08:002022-05-28T01:13:35.650+08:00once more around the sun<p style="text-align: justify;">I re-read my last entry I just happened to realise that it was just me in one of my depressive episodes haha. Anyhoo, I have some thoughts to share at 23 (yes I just turned 23 several days ago, Alhamdulillah!)</p><p style="text-align: justify;">Life at 23 feels weird, uncomfortable and lonely. In short, it's depressing. There are still nights where I'm wide awake rethinking the life decisions I made in the past and whether it was a right one, was it a right one? I guess I'll never know. But, if the Turner of Hearts who created the sun and moon, and the One who shifts mountains moved this tiny heart of mine, then in no doubt that this is where I am meant to be and in His plans I fully put my trust into. The world still seems a little blurry and I still spend days feeling frantic and anxious about not having life figured out yet at 23. However, somehow on days like these, it felt right to take a step back and just breathe.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">I've been at home ever since 2022. It has been five months now and although whenever someone asks me what have I been up to and all I could say was probably '<i>ah well you know just chilling at home</i>', I have more answers than just <i>that.</i></p><p style="text-align: justify;">I guess one of the most beautiful things that solitude has taught me is that wherever I am in this world, I will always need Allah. I have been spending time trying to regain my connection with my Deen and it was not easy. I still struggle with it if I have to be painfully honest. Solitude has allowed me to reconnect with myself, and understand where all my pains and stress are coming from. I am in a place where I'm trying my best to fix the relationship I have with my family and friends.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">Anyways, I guess mentally I'm doing well on some days and not so good on some. There was a period of time in April and early May where I was feeling highly agitated and very easily irritated with things around me. But I promise I'm doing well, in fact better than my uni days. Being depressed has its consequences, I also haven't taken medication since last year. I've come to the conclusion that I really need therapy (and the only thing that gets in my way is my anxiety).</p><p style="text-align: justify;">But May overall was nice. I had several catch-up sessions with my friends and during raya, I finally met my extended family members again after two years. The company felt pleasant, I could for once forget about being isolated and lonely. I still can't believe that I'm almost in my mid 20s, and the thought of that often scares me so much because I don't have plans haha. But then again, I try to incorporate the power of Sabr in life. Allah definitely knows best.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">To wrap this up, I quote Aida Azlin in one of her love letters, "We are here because Allah SWT, the Most Wise, the Most Loving, wants us to be here. And if He wants us here, then this must be the best place for us at this present moment."</p><p style="text-align: justify;">◡̈</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-22709820485056602032022-02-16T21:11:00.001+08:002022-02-16T21:13:14.886+08:00inertia<p style="text-align: justify;">Deep and long, long sigh.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">So, it has been somewhat a month and a half of being in idleness, interlude, out of sight and out of touch. Ought to start applying for jobs, but the idea alone terrifies me, I've only managed to submit one, mainly out of pressure. Other than that, nothing much goes on <i>(other than being quarantined, that is because a family member caught covid </3)</i>.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">I am no stranger to this term they call 'ghosting'. If that was a legit gender, 'good/bye' would literally be my pronouns. Well I digress. I have this habit of cutting off people whom I once share fond memories with once I no longer feel their physical presence. It's a red flag, I know. I have never really been that good at maintaining a long distance relationship. It's a sin, to be honest, because we're not in the 80's where the only line of communication is through telegraph. I can't reply to a text in time even when I'm not busy. It's a shame.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">I find it un-amusing, you know, not to get to talk to 'real' people. I know video and phone calls are a thing but, not everyone has the capacity to do it all the time. Not me, obviously.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">A lot of times I am oblivious, and it is by choice. I don't really get caught up with other people's life updates and 'tea parties'. And honestly, I have never really felt the need to do so. But never did I have any intention to severe ties with people. It's just that, I'm a bit of 'out of sight, out of mind' kind of person, and to tell you the truth, it's a bit sad. I think a lot of people mistaken me for trying to, you know, cut them off, when in reality, I just can't really handle to just like text them or send them memes every day. It's a bit taxing when you think about it, like having to scroll through Instagram to keep yourself updated with what your friends are doing, and then you feel a bit upset that you can't be with them. I think at this point of writing I just feel like I'm still in denial haha.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">It was never my intention to cut people off. I just appreciate it more if I could physically spend time with people. I like it better having to see them in person and listen to their rants and stories and updates in person. But that's not how it works!! We're adults now and we got stuff to do. My friends have work, and they have other things they need to tend to.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">And again, I could never have everything I desire in this world. It never was a wish-granting factory.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">I miss people and I hate how the way I 'miss' people isn't like me interacting with them. I just miss them and that's it. God why.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">Severing ties. Such dramatic words. But it happens all the time.</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-89326083728583701602022-01-27T22:29:00.003+08:002022-01-27T22:29:32.602+08:00blood dies<p>i was always the most susceptible amongst us all, it is funny when you think about it, i managed to hold my breath this long without anyone knowing the bruises beautifully drawn onto my skin and bone</p><p>i know everyone speaks a different language when it comes to love but i guess it really did get lost in translation</p><p>either that or you did not even try to converse your speech</p><p><br /></p><p>it's family is all that we got, i do</p><p>but i do not</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-39472654117781842342021-12-06T16:02:00.001+08:002021-12-06T16:02:07.477+08:00learning to grieve<p>I found myself crying every time I got back from work these days. Either that or I fell asleep on the couch in the living room accompanied by muted silence. I miss writing here. I don't feel judged here, nor do I feel anyone's presence. I've been writing a lot on my private stories on Instagram but I often feel nobody appreciate or acknowledge my thoughts and feelings. There are people, a few of them, came to bring me comfort, but none amongst them are the closest to me. And instead I felt invalidated by a very close friend that said somewhere along the lines that I often make a big fuss about being busy. I felt hurt and it made me not want to share anything to people anymore.</p><p>Learning to allow myself to grieve, and learning to be angry and sad at things beyond my control.</p><p>Only few days left before I leave this place for good. Counting days to a new life. Scared, sick, confused, thrilled, depressed.</p><p>In an alternate universe where I got to bring my family to attend my graduation ceremony, where I got to walk on stage, and feel genuinely proud of myself for the milestones that I've achieved.</p><p>I wish I can feel things. I don't feel things anymore. I couldn't care even the slightest about anything. </p><p>Numb. They don't understand. Nor do I.</p><p><br /></p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-86710582377989976252021-09-12T18:12:00.002+08:002021-09-12T18:27:22.959+08:00ted talks 101<p>I stumbled upon a video on Tiktok about a person who quit her day job and decided to pursue her career as an artist and I actually never stopped thinking about what she said; it was the kindest thing she has ever done to herself. That lives in my head rent free.</p><p>You know how I always struggle with self-esteem? That I often feel inadequate and insufficient. I know other people can relate to this too. I have never felt genuinely "happy" with myself for the longest of time to be honest. I can't even remember the last time I genuinely felt that I am capable of doing stuff and actually felt that I am "smart". I am convinced, for the longest of time, that I am no longer smart, that I am a dense, imbecile being.</p><p>I don't know what do I do now that I am done with my studies. I ought to apply for jobs but that just keeps my anxiety at all-time high. I just can't deal with that. Not yet, not now. I don't think I'm even suited for an office job. I don't feel competent because I am not smart?? I feel like the knowledge that I have acquired for my Bachelors degree have literally went down the drain. Can't remember a single thing about all those statistical/survival model nor any mathematical concepts that I have learned if you ask me.</p><p>But honestly, I don't <i>think</i> I am <i>that</i> stupid. I did get some As in a few subjects throughout degree, but last year just traumatised me to the point that I can't, for the life of me, feel that I am adequate. The trauma is still deeply rooted in me and I still can't let it go.</p><p>And, talking about competency, if you're living under a rock and may have not heard that I am inarticulate, well let me enlighten you that yes, I am inarticulate. I can't present myself well during interviews and stuff. I just don't like to talk or<i> brag</i> about the good things that I have or can do. I still struggle with giving myself full credit.</p><p>And that's when the video that lives on my mind rent free comes in; do I really need to do the things that make me unhappy? Can I just pursue whatever I want to do in life, if that makes me happy?</p><p>But on second thought, I felt like maybe I am not <i>unhappy</i> but I am just uncomfortable. These things, adulting stuff, aren't even the slightest near my comfort zone. Maybe I am just uncomfortable of not being able to convince myself that I am actually competent and capable. And maybe I just need someone to help me see that I am actually not that stupid (?) and maybe they can give me a reality slap and assure me that I am actually a sufficient human being.</p><p>I will allow myself to take time, the longest time if need be, to learn to be more assertive. But yeah, in the meantime, this is who I am; no longer in a full-time war with myself, just a bit awkward, apprehensive and uneasy.</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-4704255322197166382021-04-27T04:03:00.005+08:002021-04-27T04:03:57.216+08:00spiral abyss<p style="text-align: justify;">I don't usually write in the morning because I have never been a morning person to begin with, but well hello, it has been awhile again, fortunately <i>(or unfortunately)</i>.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">I haven't slept since suhoor, had biscuits + a cold caramel latte so that I won't be as sleepy today. I am planning to attend my 9 am lecture in person at Kelburn. It is currently raining, like any other day during Autumn.</p><p>Eight minutes to 8 am, I'll go and take a shower soon but in the meantime I just want to write. Yesterday I had trouble falling asleep again. There was a poetic line that crossed my mind, somewhere along the lines of <i>"nobody knows this non-existent realm full of monsters underneath".</i></p><p>Before I tucked myself to bed, I read my writings I wrote on tumblr a few days ago, and I was reminded that the one main goal I have for this ramadan is to accept the way I am. To see myself as a blessing rather than a curse.</p><p>I have always been in and out of that <i>state</i>. When I'm in it, I forget every good thing that has ever happened to me. When I am out of it, I realised that it was <i>not me, </i>that it was <i>not a personality trait, </i>and that I am <i>not my depression</i>.</p><p>I want to believe that I have been fighting a never-ending war, some days it is silenced, other days it goes berserk.</p><p>To others, that realm does not exist.</p><p>But I still suffer horrendously.</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-14565485361339175452021-02-01T18:21:00.001+08:002021-02-01T18:21:04.122+08:00oblivion<p>As a depressive, we don't wish for a better month, or a better year, or even a better life.</p><p>We only wished we would survive yet another day, another hour, or just another minute.</p><p>It's not "just 24 hours"</p><p>It <i>has </i>been 24 hours.</p><p>If I knew that I'll die tomorrow, I would spend all of my life savings to be back home.</p><p>I would want to die with the presence of my parents, my siblings and my cat.</p><p>If I were to die a month from now, I would spend the remnant of my days doing all the things that I've always wanted to; go to japan, start an art shop, sell stickers, publish a book, sell my paintings</p><p>As a depressive, we are still afraid to die, but the idea of falling into oblivion is just far too inviting. There's no such thing as an oblivion in my religion. Our lives are continuous.</p><p>I am loved but I do not feel it.</p><p>I am blessed but my mind is a little too blurry to even believe it.</p><p>I am reaching my limit but I am holding on, still.</p><p>Don't know when will I let go</p><p>Maybe tomorrow</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-82988312912877643112021-01-13T09:52:00.003+08:002021-01-13T09:52:29.366+08:00anxiety attack<p>it has been a while since i last felt it</p><p>but yesterday the monster came back</p><p>i was shivering, unable to rest in peace</p><p>why do you have to haunt me like that</p><p>why do i have to dream of killing myself</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-52778923181897272192021-01-13T09:50:00.000+08:002021-01-13T09:50:23.611+08:00frail<p>nobody has ever told me that taking care of myself would be this difficult, no wonder when you're sick, you would've expect other people to take care of your needs,</p><p>taking care of myself while feeling utterly, helplessly weak, </p><p>but i still managed, to get out from bed, even when i took one whole day, i still went to take a shower, not a bath, just water running down my weak body, my weak mind, and i sat there in the tub for an hour, the water ran down for an hour long.</p><p>then, i still managed to get up and took the pills, i forced myself to eat even when i didn't want to, i was hungry but i wasn't capable of eating, i did not have the energy</p><p>and i tucked myself to bed</p><p>it is hard to take care of myself</p><p>but i did</p><p>and that is all that matters</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-27629529492289192222021-01-09T14:41:00.003+08:002021-01-09T14:41:25.121+08:00dear,<p> i cant believe im writing an actual billet doux</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-72116671175013796242021-01-07T17:28:00.003+08:002021-01-07T17:28:24.291+08:00one depressing year<p style="text-align: justify;"><i>tw: suicide, self-harm</i></p><p style="text-align: justify;">listening to 22 by taylor swift makes me realise that the song was released when she was 22, at the time i was only 14 aha, never thought i'd make it this far in life to be really honest??</p><p style="text-align: justify;">anyways, i am feeling very furious right now, i know i haven't been writing at all, i just had some weird interlude i've been experiencing, and hi, this is my first post for the year 2021.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">weird, how did i even manage to get through all the absurdity of last year.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">i will be turning 22, i hope? when i was 18 i wouldn't even dare to imagine a life beyond 22, not even a second that i'd stop thinking about my inevitable death.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">and yes, the year 2020 was the year that i died. no, i wasn't reborn or anything, i am still typing on my blog at this very moment but i have indeed died.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">i can't really describe how bizarre last year was, i never would've imagined that it was such a dramatic year, never would've set my hopes up high if i were to know what was bound to happen.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">during the first two months, i was at home, doing literally nothing, binging watching anime, and doing some art stuff, started to learn digital drawing. i was depressed, like i always am. but the first two months, i felt lagged, felt hollow, empty, wanted to die each passing day, until i lost opah. few weeks before opah left us, i wished i could've replaced her place, i wish i was the one who's dying, i was wishing for my death. wasn't in the right mental state, was still traumatised by an imaginary trauma i made up in my mind. i lost myself.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">after opah's passing, i had to go back to wellington. right before the day i left, i fell ill. and that was the time when covid started to spread worldwide, including malaysia. alhamdulillah i did not get affected by the virus but i still remember how weak i was feeling having to catch the plane, running through changi's enormous terminals to transit, i just got lucky that i had a window-seat during the eight hour flight to sydney.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">when the first semester of the year started, i was feeling quite motivated with my studies, because i was finally going to learn a subject directly related with my major, ACTS201. but the motivation didn't last long when prime minister jacinda arden announced a total lockdown in new zealand. we had to stay in for a month. and the university immediately closed the day after the announcement was made.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">during the month of lockdown, i didn't feel entirely weird, because i've always been a stay-at-home kind of person. i don't feel awkward that i didn't get to go out. i love staying in. covid made me realise how privileged i am. and i am ashamed of all the times i've been ungrateful.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">when the university reopened and we resumed our classes, everything became odd. the transitioning to online classes isn't something new but it was really hard for me to be disciplined. i lack self discipline and i am super upset about it. it's like i realise how lazy or demotivated i have been feeling but i cannot for the life of me help myself to get back on track.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">we celebrated our first ramadan and aidilfitri in new zealand during lockdown. one of the blessings of lockdown is that i was able to finish the quran during the month of ramadan and i am really happy about it. also, funny how my birthday fell on 1st syawal this year. i cried.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">right before raya, i was crazy with animal crossing and i ended spending a portion of my student allowance buying a nintendo switch :) yes, but i did not regret buying it at all, convincing myself that it was a birthday present from me to me.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">and that was how it all started. i can't tell you the details it hurts too much to even think about it. but again, like what billie would say,<i> i am the bad guy</i>. my love life has been nuts last year. i mean, ???? i thought i wasn't going to fall?? but i didn't, <i>didn't i?</i> i still don't know. but the only thing for sure is i am still mean :))))) to people who would try to offer affection to me :)))) and i hate myself so much because of that.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">i spent a whole lot of time dwelling on the things that i should or shouldn't have done. i hate breaking other people. it breaks me too.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">and that was the start of my death. second semester was a journey to the afterlife. at the end, like no other main characters do, i finally died.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">started to self-harm again. and it got worse. it got up to the point where i finally had the actual guts to kill myself. i was very close to overdosing myself one night with the prozac that i have with me. i wanted to die. i still want to. and i did.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">however, one major achievement of 2020 is that i finally reached out for proper medical help. that is beyond everything. i would have never thought i was brave enough to let it out there, telling strangers how torturous this skull-sized hell of mine is. i am proud of myself for that.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">i am still on meds. i am doing better. and i am trying my best.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">the fact that i am still here writing is mind-boggling, super duper brave woman huh.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">i am happy that i was able to financially aid my family with the money i earn from my part-time job. i feel a lot at ease knowing my family is doing well despite the ongoing pandemic. a lot of things happened, and i still haven't had the guts to tell my parents about my health. that's okay, one day.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">i wouldn't have survived without the friends i have with me. on god, i really dont know how to repay them but i hope every of my prayers for them is answered by god. demi Tuhan, they are one of the greatest blessings in my life.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">when the semester ended, i wasn't sure if i really felt happy, but a sense of relief did envelope me. alhamdulillah, i did not fail any of the papers that i took, and that is the only thing i have wished for. for all the sleepless nights and traumatising mornings, for all the random panic attacks and depressing hours, i have survived because Allah is there for me.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">i am learning to count my blessings, and i want to be a better version of myself. i have seen so much character development of myself from recent years and i am super duper happy with it. if i don't make it out alive this year, i hope i will have a good end to my life, a lowly, sinful servant, wishing for khusnul khatimah. if i do make it out alive, i hope i am in a much better place, mentally, physically, financially.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">i dont really have any specific goals this year. but i do want to continue doing the good things and leave all the bad habits behind.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">aina, you're doing great, you've been so bold. so brave. i can't promise you 2021 is going to be a good year. but, thank you for sticking around and having hope. i appreciate you. so many people love you for who you are and i hope you'll finally accept their love for you. i hope you'll learn to love yourself even more.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">i love you. always.</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-78253362567980572632020-10-19T20:02:00.001+08:002020-10-19T20:02:41.453+08:00ah, i am in love<p>recently ive discovered new artists that i really enjoy listening to</p><p>and the most recent is keshi, and yes, i am in love with him, this might sound a tad bit wacky but trust me, i blush whenever keshi says "said im here" and "come home to me", i feel like he's talking to me, in a way</p><p>trust me, i legit blush</p><p>hes like so cute and talented and im so soft for him bcs he radiates big uwu vibe and he kinda looks like kenma with his long hair and yellow ends ahhh and he likes to put <3 in his tweets hes like so freaking adorable?!</p><p>keshi marry me</p><p>pls, ty <3</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2479770299449658557.post-58230705583098580802020-10-14T13:25:00.001+08:002020-10-14T13:25:16.798+08:00it's one of those days<p> where i am afraid of my own thoughts</p>Aynawhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04523678298704332171noreply@blogger.com0