to stay put

You know how life has its ups and downs?

I'm drowning.

If I ever asked myself, am I happy?

Honestly, I'm not.
I've never let anyone in for I've learnt my lesson a couple years ago.
I've never really rely my happiness onto someone.

Frankly speaking, I'm tired of having to suppress what I truly feel, but I do know it is for the better. If I ever showed anyone how flawed I am, I bet not a single person would want to be friends with me.

I thought I was ready enough to face what I'm currently facing right now. Even if I've tripped several times reaching the peak of my own mountain. Oh boy I was wrong. I've gone bonkers for the past few weeks and I've stumbled multiple of times and here I am, back at the starting line. I'm going downhill and there isn't a single pair of hands that'd help me get back up. I'm on my own feet and I'm struggling to survive.

Never judge my happiness based on my Instagram posts. They are all posted with one common purpose; To deceive you.

To deceive the world that I own a happy, non-chaotic and sunshiny life. To put those who are dearest to me at ease knowing I'm able to cope with this hectic journey.

What I truly know, this too shall pass. And I know on one fine day, I'll look back to this day, feeling very grateful for every challenge that I've gone through.

{94:5-6}

💆🏻

lol I'm not the type of person to lash out when I'm angry, i write, i write bad things about u in my head, i wish i was gr8 at confessing how i feel but maybe theres a whole other reason why God decided to make me this way lol. Just so you know if you're able to read my mind, you'd be dead cuz i killed you more than thrice already.

So

I'm easily pissed but i forgive real quick lel
And
I don't give a single ............. god i really wanna curse but I can't
Astaghfirullah

Buat la apa yang hangpa nak buat, takpa ☺️

All this while 😔

I've lost something crucial for more than 7 months. I've lost something that made me strong back in the day when I was still in high school. I had no idea what I've been missing all this while until yesterday night, when I was destined that He'd knock my heart.

I miss Surau Al-Muttaqin.

That place reminds me of peace. I feel content whenever I'm there. I used to cry and sob a lot there, I prayed to Him I'd get better and stronger each day. I used to do that every single day. I used to talk to Him early in the morning before anyone else got up from bed. And for every time I had the chance to confess everything that burdened me, I found peace within me. I miss that feeling. I've lost it.

Yesterday, I went to an usrah that was led by our seniors at our small surau here. At first I was a bit reluctant, I didn't feel like going but when my friends insisted me of joining them, I couldn't say no.

I tried my best to open up my heart, listening to my senior delivering his speech. I almost cried because I've forgotten how peaceful I was back then when I sat on the floor, listening to every tazkirah that was given whether from my ustazs or my friends or even guests, I missed how it felt back then, how it made me strong, how it made me feel that this world isn't going to last forever and we're all going to face death eventually. And that, made me strong, because I could care less about the society's expectations, I'd only live to please my Lord.

Eventually, everything falls back into its place.

It doesn't matter whether you're rich or poor, you're strong or weak. It doesn't matter in the hereafter.

After all, we're just humans, and what differentiate us from each other is only the level of our iman.

An uphill battle

I need to remind myself every single day the ultimate reason why I'm here. I need to get away from things that distract me. I need not to torture myself yet I must suppress this feeling.

Be bold and strong.

You're better than this Aina.

Don't indulge yourself with things that you know wrong. Don't normalise things that are forbidden. Don't be reserved and taciturn. Challenge the norms. Be you.

Take a deep breath. And release.

It's okay to shed a tear. You're not weak, in fact you're strong. Trust Him. He put you in this journey, and trust Him, you're capable of handling it. You might not be able to heal overnight. Slowly yet surely, have faith.

Put aside your doubts. Accept yourself. Love who you are. You're you and nobody can ever be you. You're beautiful, never compare yourself with anybody, be it, supermodels to make up artists to your friends or anybody in this whole wide world, they'll never be you.

💗