at work, annoyed

monday

monday blues

i woke up for subuh at 7am this morning, at least i prayed, cant remember when was the last time i prayed subuh, then i slept, and woke up again at 7.50am, had a breakfast plan with hasbul and afif but it got canceled, didn't know afif came to office at 8am, and hasbul had some work to be done by 9.30am so couldn't go get breakfast, i was the first to arrive, felt weird, when was the last time i was the first, who knows, went downstairs with arina to tapau breakfast, had nasi lemak rm6, damn expensive but whatever i was hungry, and bought a bun at the family mart vending machine, wanted to finish astro's minute today, but still haven't been able to, had a 10am meeting to catch up on sam playbook with mak and team, hella annoyed with mak, so annoying

monday is ruined at 10 in the morning

tell me how do you improve or train yourself when you're not even given the chance to? when your boss has trust issues not just on you but the rest of the team, and he only relies everything on a single person that he trusts? and he dismisses whatever you say? even if he thinks it's a stupid question, he can always respond it nicely or relay it to a more meaningful question? why so rude?

i am starting to think that i do not have a purpose at work, everyone else questions what we do, and i don't see the output of our department, "it takes time" screw that, it's been a hell of time, this department has been set up for almost 2 years and i still cant see the direction where we're heading to

im stressed at work

and personally still mentally ill

hey at least i just booked a psychiatrist appointment on the 24th, that's one way to start

listened to champagne problems when driving to work this morning, that line hit me hard, "she would've made such a lovely bride, what a shame she's fucked in the head"

i told myself i hated myself three times in the morning, all at different intervals, all happened even before i arrived office, what a strong hatred i must've felt

is this burnout? it feels much more than that

the suicidal ideation that i have is not active at all times, but my depression stays the same, i had a glimpse of hope in one second, and lost the light the next

what am i doing

what am i doing in this life