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there was a suicide attempt on wednesday.

the triggering point was because of the conversation i had with amirul after our radwimps concert at midnight, i still think i had to do what i had to do, it didn't turn out well, as i expected.

the next morning i felt extremely suicidal. at around 9am before i left for work, i consumed four different type of pills; 4 fluoxetine, 4 propranolol, 4 uphamol and 2 actifast. not with the intention to get better, but with the intention to kill myself. i really thought those pills were enough to kill me.

i went to work, but didn't sit at my desk, i sat elsewhere, one of the rooms at menara, the small pod at level 5, the nursing room at level 3, the main surau downstairs, just to run away from my colleagues; afraid of them asking how was my concert; i have no intention to tell anything to anyone. i had a 7pm meeting with ceo that day with the rest of sam team. quite surprised that almost everyone noticed i was missing, i was taken aback when mak asked if i was okay, he looked very concerned, and i didn't realised i looked very, well, unwell.

the morning of wednesday, after i consumed those pills, it really felt like i was about to die. i was feeling very dizzy, vision blurred, abdominal pain, nauseous the whole day, i was ready to go. i even said my last farewell to tiger and nimau before i left home. at one point i can smell blood up in my nostrils. but it wasn't enough, to kill me, unfortunately.

that night i went home after my meeting ended at around 8pm, had the intention to consume clorox, but i was too tired to even lift my head, and so i dozed off immediately once i landed myself in bed. i hoped i would never wake up again.

it was thursday yesterday, and i was still alive. i still had to go to work. and i had a lot of meetings to attend. the earliest was at 10am. again, before i left home, i went to the kitchen, searched for the clorox, opened the bottle, smelled it, thinking it was not too bad if i ever did want to try to consume it. but i was late for work, and thought i'll give it a try once im back home later tonight; if i ever will.

i wanted to get an iv drip that day after my meeting ended. bahiah suggested to do so; claiming it'll help to make me feel a bit energetic. i did not eat since after radwimps. it was more than 24 hours since my last meal. my whole body was very shaky. i did not even consume enough water. afif consulted me to just go to the clinic, to get consultations on the pills i took. that was the least of my worries. i only wanted to survive my meetings that day, i didn't care if i die right after. that was what i wanted after all.

i went down to menara clinic at around 11am. told the counter i wanted to see the doctor because of my headache; it was true though, but i mainly wanted to get the iv drip. i waited about an hour before it was my turn to see the doctor. i started off telling that i've been experiencing headaches, and i think it was because of the stress i feel at work, i asked her if i can get an iv drip, if that would help me feel better, i confessed to her i took the pills, and that i was previously prescribed with depression and anxiety medications in 2020, i knew she felt very worried when she heard this, when i told her about the pills i consumed, she immediately wrote it down. she then insisted to write a referral letter for me to see a psychiatrist at sjmc, but because i had meetings till 5.30pm, i needed to go to ED. i didn't know what to do or say, so i just agreed with whatever she said. i then proceeded to get the iv drip; that was the first time i was sort of "hospitalised". felt like a dream come true somehow. only thing that didn't come true was me actually dying. the first time the nurse inserted the needle on my left hand, it failed, and that hurt so much, i was bleeding quite a lot. she had to do it on my arm, the cubital vein. sat there on the clinic bed, updating afif whatever situation i was in.

the drip lasted less then 30 mins, i didn't know how it helped because i felt nothing changed; not energised, body still felt very weak. i went upstairs to my desk, elleena and the rest were about to go get lunch outside, i insisted them to go without me, told them i'll just have the bread we have at the office. it was lunchtime, i posted the iv drip photo on my instagram close friends. went to the nursing room again to recollect my thoughts; wished i had bring along with me the clorox right now and then.

things happened real fast after i went back upstairs. elleena knew i had the iv drip and that i was "dehydrated", but when she saw the referral letter, she panicked, almost screamed at me to ask me to show her the letter. i insisted that i wasn't going to show. she then told deena, asking her to scold me, because i got a referral letter but there i was worried if should attend the meetings i had that day. deena forced me to give the letter to her, i still didn't want to, but she took it from me, opened it, read it together with elleena. felt like my privacy was invaded at that time. had no time to think. didn't know what to feel. nadiah took the letter from deena, surprised, she unintentionally screamed "psychiatrist?!" for the whole world to hear. deena straight away lectured me, telling me that it is important to let people who are physically close in distance to me know when i face this, it's dangerous if no one knows. i nodded, acknowledged it. i knew it was important. it was never my intention to hide. i just didn't think it was worth to tell anyone, i've always had to deal this alone, why can't i do the same this time?

nadiah insisted to send me to sjmc. we left at around 3.40pm from office. she told mak that she had to sent me to hospital, and that i wasn't able to attend my afternoon meetings that day. i didn't have to say anything; like afif, nadiah knew the triggering point was because of the concert. throughout the journey to sjmc, we caught up with each other, felt like it has been forever since i talked to her, she was busy and occupied, and i was too. confessed to her the things i did, that was the first time she knew how sick i was in the head. but i was grateful actually, that i didn't have to go to sjmc alone. nadiah was doing angel's work. we reached sjmc, straight away went to ED, waited for my number to be called, the nurse checked my vitals, asked what actually happened, i told them, got a sense that the nurse felt pity. i went to see the psychiatrist, confessed everything, didn't want to tell her about amirul because that's embarrassing, but she made her way to let me confess it still, before the session ended, she asked if i still have the intention to kill myself, and i answered a solid yes without any hesitation, she made up her mind, telling me i needed to be admitted, but i need to go to a government hospital, before leaving, she patted me at the back, saying "you being here is already good enough, please go to the hospital today, and don't think to much, you're doing good". the psychiatrist, afif, and bahiah, all of them told me to not think too much. it was weird they all shared the same advice. perhaps, it was the only advice i needed.

before heading to sg buloh, nadiah brought me to upstairs cafe to get some food, i had mac n cheese, nadiah had lasagna. after that, we went to sg buloh hospital, again went to ED, got my number, registered, and waited in line, for almost 4 hours. unbelievable. i know. to cut it short, i didn't get warded. the doctor, again, referred me to the psychiatrist, but i needed to book an appointment, and the appointment itself will take 2-3 months time from now. frustrating. a waste of time and energy. nadiah accompanied me all the way yesterday. beyond grateful to have her by my side when i needed company the most. amalin and bahiah called me to check up on me. lots of friends texted me to see if i was okay. didn't have much energy left in me yesterday, replied to people's messages within my capacity.

i'm on mc today. apologised to mak and nadhira that i wasn't able to attend the meetings we have today. felt bad, but as much as i want to force myself, i can't.

i know ibu is panic-stricken. i haven't had a proper meal since mac n cheese. ought to freshen up soon. right now, i just don't know what to do. stuck in a position where if i fall, it'll be rock bottom, and if i ascend, perhaps to the seventh of heavens. i woke up from bed at 10am this morning, went downstairs to go get tiger, and read my art journal, the agonising days i had throughout 2018-2020. it has been 5 years since. im still shaky. grounds are unstable still. losing hope each passing day.

i know i'll be fine soon. but if life is a cycle of uptime and downtime, is it selfish of me to not want to get better, and to just call it quits? i know i'll be fine, but i don't want to, and i am okay to let things end, i am okay to give up, i am okay to let time stop here. i am okay to not be alive anymore.

tawakul

at work, annoyed

my sky is built one star at a time