The corporate world seems intimidating and I'll tell you it really is intimidating. Who would've thought this self-deprecating human being is (apparently has alway been) destined to be in a circle of humans who are way out of her own league. I like this out-of-comfort state I'm in but at the same time I can feel the excruciating pain slowly creeping in as I'm filled with constant agitation and anxiety.
Deep exhales.
To be honest, I'm still scared.
I've received little to no guidance at work, despite being very very new and fresh. Though I understand why things are the way they are, it still upsets me. I've been trying to give it chance after chance ever since day one. Sadly, my expectations were low but this was on a whole 'nother level I tell you. The more I ponder about work life, the more I start to miss my previous company I was with. Ibarat langit dan bumi ya working life di NZ dan Malaysia. My onboarding experience was far from pleasant here, red flags are everywhere but I deliberately close my eyes off. One month in and I still am lost.
Why did no one ever tell me that work life can be super lonely. Yeah I've made friends at work but it's more of a hi-bye type of interaction. Shallow relationships. Small talk. This is way too boring and it feels like everyone is putting up a facade. I thought having a common ground with people back home would make a conversation easy to initiate. Could've been more wrong, perhaps humans are still the same anywhere.
Every now and then, I still feel way too awkward being surrounded by T20 people. I've had my fair share of experience befriending them, and it shouldn't be a surprise to me having to work alongside these big people. But I still feel so small and so frightened, I feel like we live in a completely different world; the way I see the world is not the same as how they see it.
I have also lost memories. Almost about everything. And now I'm trying to re-learn everything back from square one. The learning curve is super steep and I can definitely foresee myself stumble again and again, and even though I'm scared and I know I'll cry in the process, at least I still have this grit in my heart and the dream that one day, soon enough, I'll be in the place I've been wishing to be.
It has been quite an eventful month, and it was definitely a new beginning. I'll continue to imagine that I'm the protagonist of this "best-selling book". Till then.
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