I re-read my last entry I just happened to realise that it was just me in one of my depressive episodes haha. Anyhoo, I have some thoughts to share at 23 (yes I just turned 23 several days ago, Alhamdulillah!)
Life at 23 feels weird, uncomfortable and lonely. In short, it's depressing. There are still nights where I'm wide awake rethinking the life decisions I made in the past and whether it was a right one, was it a right one? I guess I'll never know. But, if the Turner of Hearts who created the sun and moon, and the One who shifts mountains moved this tiny heart of mine, then in no doubt that this is where I am meant to be and in His plans I fully put my trust into. The world still seems a little blurry and I still spend days feeling frantic and anxious about not having life figured out yet at 23. However, somehow on days like these, it felt right to take a step back and just breathe.
I've been at home ever since 2022. It has been five months now and although whenever someone asks me what have I been up to and all I could say was probably 'ah well you know just chilling at home', I have more answers than just that.
I guess one of the most beautiful things that solitude has taught me is that wherever I am in this world, I will always need Allah. I have been spending time trying to regain my connection with my Deen and it was not easy. I still struggle with it if I have to be painfully honest. Solitude has allowed me to reconnect with myself, and understand where all my pains and stress are coming from. I am in a place where I'm trying my best to fix the relationship I have with my family and friends.
Anyways, I guess mentally I'm doing well on some days and not so good on some. There was a period of time in April and early May where I was feeling highly agitated and very easily irritated with things around me. But I promise I'm doing well, in fact better than my uni days. Being depressed has its consequences, I also haven't taken medication since last year. I've come to the conclusion that I really need therapy (and the only thing that gets in my way is my anxiety).
But May overall was nice. I had several catch-up sessions with my friends and during raya, I finally met my extended family members again after two years. The company felt pleasant, I could for once forget about being isolated and lonely. I still can't believe that I'm almost in my mid 20s, and the thought of that often scares me so much because I don't have plans haha. But then again, I try to incorporate the power of Sabr in life. Allah definitely knows best.
To wrap this up, I quote Aida Azlin in one of her love letters, "We are here because Allah SWT, the Most Wise, the Most Loving, wants us to be here. And if He wants us here, then this must be the best place for us at this present moment."
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