inertia

Deep and long, long sigh.

So, it has been somewhat a month and a half of being in idleness, interlude, out of sight and out of touch. Ought to start applying for jobs, but the idea alone terrifies me, I've only managed to submit one, mainly out of pressure. Other than that, nothing much goes on (other than being quarantined, that is because a family member caught covid </3).

I am no stranger to this term they call 'ghosting'. If that was a legit gender, 'good/bye' would literally be my pronouns. Well I digress. I have this habit of cutting off people whom I once share fond memories with once I no longer feel their physical presence. It's a red flag, I know. I have never really been that good at maintaining a long distance relationship. It's a sin, to be honest, because we're not in the 80's where the only line of communication is through telegraph. I can't reply to a text in time even when I'm not busy. It's a shame.

I find it un-amusing, you know, not to get to talk to 'real' people. I know video and phone calls are a thing but, not everyone has the capacity to do it all the time. Not me, obviously.

A lot of times I am oblivious, and it is by choice. I don't really get caught up with other people's life updates and 'tea parties'. And honestly, I have never really felt the need to do so. But never did I have any intention to severe ties with people. It's just that, I'm a bit of 'out of sight, out of mind' kind of person, and to tell you the truth, it's a bit sad. I think a lot of people mistaken me for trying to, you know, cut them off, when in reality, I just can't really handle to just like text them or send them memes every day. It's a bit taxing when you think about it, like having to scroll through Instagram to keep yourself updated with what your friends are doing, and then you feel a bit upset that you can't be with them. I think at this point of writing I just feel like I'm still in denial haha.

It was never my intention to cut people off. I just appreciate it more if I could physically spend time with people. I like it better having to see them in person and listen to their rants and stories and updates in person. But that's not how it works!! We're adults now and we got stuff to do. My friends have work, and they have other things they need to tend to.

And again, I could never have everything I desire in this world. It never was a wish-granting factory.

I miss people and I hate how the way I 'miss' people isn't like me interacting with them. I just miss them and that's it. God why.

Severing ties. Such dramatic words. But it happens all the time.