I don't usually write in the morning because I have never been a morning person to begin with, but well hello, it has been awhile again, fortunately (or unfortunately).
I haven't slept since suhoor, had biscuits + a cold caramel latte so that I won't be as sleepy today. I am planning to attend my 9 am lecture in person at Kelburn. It is currently raining, like any other day during Autumn.
Eight minutes to 8 am, I'll go and take a shower soon but in the meantime I just want to write. Yesterday I had trouble falling asleep again. There was a poetic line that crossed my mind, somewhere along the lines of "nobody knows this non-existent realm full of monsters underneath".
Before I tucked myself to bed, I read my writings I wrote on tumblr a few days ago, and I was reminded that the one main goal I have for this ramadan is to accept the way I am. To see myself as a blessing rather than a curse.
I have always been in and out of that state. When I'm in it, I forget every good thing that has ever happened to me. When I am out of it, I realised that it was not me, that it was not a personality trait, and that I am not my depression.
I want to believe that I have been fighting a never-ending war, some days it is silenced, other days it goes berserk.
To others, that realm does not exist.
But I still suffer horrendously.
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