I stumbled upon a video on Tiktok about a person who quit her day job and decided to pursue her career as an artist and I actually never stopped thinking about what she said; it was the kindest thing she has ever done to herself. That lives in my head rent free.
You know how I always struggle with self-esteem? That I often feel inadequate and insufficient. I know other people can relate to this too. I have never felt genuinely "happy" with myself for the longest of time to be honest. I can't even remember the last time I genuinely felt that I am capable of doing stuff and actually felt that I am "smart". I am convinced, for the longest of time, that I am no longer smart, that I am a dense, imbecile being.
I don't know what do I do now that I am done with my studies. I ought to apply for jobs but that just keeps my anxiety at all-time high. I just can't deal with that. Not yet, not now. I don't think I'm even suited for an office job. I don't feel competent because I am not smart?? I feel like the knowledge that I have acquired for my Bachelors degree have literally went down the drain. Can't remember a single thing about all those statistical/survival model nor any mathematical concepts that I have learned if you ask me.
But honestly, I don't think I am that stupid. I did get some As in a few subjects throughout degree, but last year just traumatised me to the point that I can't, for the life of me, feel that I am adequate. The trauma is still deeply rooted in me and I still can't let it go.
And, talking about competency, if you're living under a rock and may have not heard that I am inarticulate, well let me enlighten you that yes, I am inarticulate. I can't present myself well during interviews and stuff. I just don't like to talk or brag about the good things that I have or can do. I still struggle with giving myself full credit.
And that's when the video that lives on my mind rent free comes in; do I really need to do the things that make me unhappy? Can I just pursue whatever I want to do in life, if that makes me happy?
But on second thought, I felt like maybe I am not unhappy but I am just uncomfortable. These things, adulting stuff, aren't even the slightest near my comfort zone. Maybe I am just uncomfortable of not being able to convince myself that I am actually competent and capable. And maybe I just need someone to help me see that I am actually not that stupid (?) and maybe they can give me a reality slap and assure me that I am actually a sufficient human being.
I will allow myself to take time, the longest time if need be, to learn to be more assertive. But yeah, in the meantime, this is who I am; no longer in a full-time war with myself, just a bit awkward, apprehensive and uneasy.
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