tw: suicide, self-harm
listening to 22 by taylor swift makes me realise that the song was released when she was 22, at the time i was only 14 aha, never thought i'd make it this far in life to be really honest??
anyways, i am feeling very furious right now, i know i haven't been writing at all, i just had some weird interlude i've been experiencing, and hi, this is my first post for the year 2021.
weird, how did i even manage to get through all the absurdity of last year.
i will be turning 22, i hope? when i was 18 i wouldn't even dare to imagine a life beyond 22, not even a second that i'd stop thinking about my inevitable death.
and yes, the year 2020 was the year that i died. no, i wasn't reborn or anything, i am still typing on my blog at this very moment but i have indeed died.
i can't really describe how bizarre last year was, i never would've imagined that it was such a dramatic year, never would've set my hopes up high if i were to know what was bound to happen.
during the first two months, i was at home, doing literally nothing, binging watching anime, and doing some art stuff, started to learn digital drawing. i was depressed, like i always am. but the first two months, i felt lagged, felt hollow, empty, wanted to die each passing day, until i lost opah. few weeks before opah left us, i wished i could've replaced her place, i wish i was the one who's dying, i was wishing for my death. wasn't in the right mental state, was still traumatised by an imaginary trauma i made up in my mind. i lost myself.
after opah's passing, i had to go back to wellington. right before the day i left, i fell ill. and that was the time when covid started to spread worldwide, including malaysia. alhamdulillah i did not get affected by the virus but i still remember how weak i was feeling having to catch the plane, running through changi's enormous terminals to transit, i just got lucky that i had a window-seat during the eight hour flight to sydney.
when the first semester of the year started, i was feeling quite motivated with my studies, because i was finally going to learn a subject directly related with my major, ACTS201. but the motivation didn't last long when prime minister jacinda arden announced a total lockdown in new zealand. we had to stay in for a month. and the university immediately closed the day after the announcement was made.
during the month of lockdown, i didn't feel entirely weird, because i've always been a stay-at-home kind of person. i don't feel awkward that i didn't get to go out. i love staying in. covid made me realise how privileged i am. and i am ashamed of all the times i've been ungrateful.
when the university reopened and we resumed our classes, everything became odd. the transitioning to online classes isn't something new but it was really hard for me to be disciplined. i lack self discipline and i am super upset about it. it's like i realise how lazy or demotivated i have been feeling but i cannot for the life of me help myself to get back on track.
we celebrated our first ramadan and aidilfitri in new zealand during lockdown. one of the blessings of lockdown is that i was able to finish the quran during the month of ramadan and i am really happy about it. also, funny how my birthday fell on 1st syawal this year. i cried.
right before raya, i was crazy with animal crossing and i ended spending a portion of my student allowance buying a nintendo switch :) yes, but i did not regret buying it at all, convincing myself that it was a birthday present from me to me.
and that was how it all started. i can't tell you the details it hurts too much to even think about it. but again, like what billie would say, i am the bad guy. my love life has been nuts last year. i mean, ???? i thought i wasn't going to fall?? but i didn't, didn't i? i still don't know. but the only thing for sure is i am still mean :))))) to people who would try to offer affection to me :)))) and i hate myself so much because of that.
i spent a whole lot of time dwelling on the things that i should or shouldn't have done. i hate breaking other people. it breaks me too.
and that was the start of my death. second semester was a journey to the afterlife. at the end, like no other main characters do, i finally died.
started to self-harm again. and it got worse. it got up to the point where i finally had the actual guts to kill myself. i was very close to overdosing myself one night with the prozac that i have with me. i wanted to die. i still want to. and i did.
however, one major achievement of 2020 is that i finally reached out for proper medical help. that is beyond everything. i would have never thought i was brave enough to let it out there, telling strangers how torturous this skull-sized hell of mine is. i am proud of myself for that.
i am still on meds. i am doing better. and i am trying my best.
the fact that i am still here writing is mind-boggling, super duper brave woman huh.
i am happy that i was able to financially aid my family with the money i earn from my part-time job. i feel a lot at ease knowing my family is doing well despite the ongoing pandemic. a lot of things happened, and i still haven't had the guts to tell my parents about my health. that's okay, one day.
i wouldn't have survived without the friends i have with me. on god, i really dont know how to repay them but i hope every of my prayers for them is answered by god. demi Tuhan, they are one of the greatest blessings in my life.
when the semester ended, i wasn't sure if i really felt happy, but a sense of relief did envelope me. alhamdulillah, i did not fail any of the papers that i took, and that is the only thing i have wished for. for all the sleepless nights and traumatising mornings, for all the random panic attacks and depressing hours, i have survived because Allah is there for me.
i am learning to count my blessings, and i want to be a better version of myself. i have seen so much character development of myself from recent years and i am super duper happy with it. if i don't make it out alive this year, i hope i will have a good end to my life, a lowly, sinful servant, wishing for khusnul khatimah. if i do make it out alive, i hope i am in a much better place, mentally, physically, financially.
i dont really have any specific goals this year. but i do want to continue doing the good things and leave all the bad habits behind.
aina, you're doing great, you've been so bold. so brave. i can't promise you 2021 is going to be a good year. but, thank you for sticking around and having hope. i appreciate you. so many people love you for who you are and i hope you'll finally accept their love for you. i hope you'll learn to love yourself even more.
i love you. always.
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